Condiments

The Red Sox are a billion dollar business, an international media empire, and a franchise that parlays relationships into dollars. I have NO PROBLEM with that. Envy? Heck, I'm greener than the Incredible Hulk.

Signs on every centimeter of "America's Most Beloved Ballpark" won't bother me. Dunkin Donuts? Love 'em. VOLVO. Why not parent company GEELY, too? John Hancock? I wish I'd signed them up. Budweiser? For you, baby. There are so many more that I hate to leave them out.

But can't we have more? Who's the official necktie maker of the Boston Red Sox? I mean, you do want to be prepared if Sox Version 2011 goes down the crapper...supported by F.W. Webb, naturally. If we have to run Theo Epstein out of town, will he be wearing New Balance sneakers? And if he's flying to Chicago to take the Cubs job, will he fly Jet Blue? Do the Cubs write their request for permission to talk to the Trio on stationery from W.B. Mason?

When Daniel Bard gets overworked, do we turn to Sullivan Tire?

Alright, so maybe the Sox haven't dipped to Dante-like depths to advertise monuments, marital aids, law firms (can that NOT be next?), mercenary companies, or firearms. Now I'm not implying that any of these American institutions lack merit. They're just not appropriate for the family-oriented sport that encourages stealing (looking for league leaders), retaliation (even when none is due) via headhunting (say it ain't so, Pedro), and relies on the human element to tolerate (mostly) bad umpiring. Even the wannabes in Williamsport have a limited form of instant replay indicating a trend toward modernism and technological advancement.

Really now, how do I apply to become the Official Blog of Red Sox Nation? Do you take checks?