Sox Explore Options for Theo Compensation

(BOSTON) The Boston Red Sox continue to explore options in the compensation battle for departed General Manager Theo Epstein. In the wake of the Red Sox historic September collapse, Epstein bolted to the Windy City and the Red Sox received what many consider inadequate compensation. The primary chip in the deal was minor leaguer Chris Carpenter, who has recently undergone surgery in his throwing elbow.

General Manager Ben Cherington has tried to no avail to identify "fair compensation" in the extend and pretend fiasco that the Sox have undergone.

1. Cherington sought permission to throw one pie in the face of Epstein, but could not get agreement regarding the flavor of the pie. In preliminary talks, Epstein also agreed that only Carpenter could throw the pie, right-handed of course. 
2. Looking slightly blue, Cherington threatened to hold his breath for ever-increasing times. This made him look slightly foolish in comparison with the constant chatter from manager Bobby Valentine. 
3. In response to the Sox constant requests for "Matt", the Cubs delivered a custom embroidered "Welcome to Fenway Park" mat for the Sox GM. Cherington was reportedly not amused.
4. When asked about the delay in compensation, Epstein replied that the Cubs worked off the Mayan calendar.
5. Epstein denied any culpability or feelings of guilt about the process. "After all, you're dealing with an organization run out of "wriggly".