Here are our nine steps toward intellectual freedom.
- We admitted we were powerless over being a fan, that our compulsion needed to be beaten. We had begun with Boston caps, and moved on to jackets, to blankets...like Jimmy Fallon, only worse.
- Came to believe that NESN would only lead us to self-destruction.
- Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of alternative life choices, playing with our children, walking, reading, and not listening to sports radio.
- Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to the highest living Red Sox charismatic figure, Johnny Pesky, that we needed to change...channels.
- Humbly asked Him to remove our shortstop and fix our bullpen and lack of player accountability.
- Made a list of all the times we had been harmed, starting with Saturday's 15-9 defeat, and became willing to atone for them all.
- Continued to take personal inventory, and as we were wrong, promptly stopped watching baseball and wearing Red Sox gear, especially publicly.
- Sought through prayer and medication to improve our delirium, our fandom, our misery. We shall have no false dogs before us.
- Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to Soxoholics, and to abide by these promises henceforth, Werner without end, Amen.