Called Out

The Red Sox haven't called (formally) to eliminate me from their managerial search. Okay, so I have no experience playing Major League Baseball. From a medical standpoint, I might be considered underqualified, too, because I am not a Pediatrician, and the childish narcissism in the clubhouse needs constant attention.


Alright, then, my continued monitoring of copper probably hasn't really gone over well with John Henry. The commodities magnate undoubtedly has his own take on copper (which hasn't performed all that well lately), although coffee could be at an inflection point. And no matter what your individual taste says, "America Runs on Dunkin'". See how I fit that plug in perfectly.

Conversely, the most disaffected man in the clubhouse, needs a cribbage partner. I guarantee that I can bring on the challenge to Dustin Pedroia at least at the level of Terry Francona. There's no way I'll be getting any "19" hands against the Sox' spiritual leader and second baseman. I'll work at reasonable rates, and I absolutely promise not to call out any of the players in the media, no matter how much the whiny, overpaid, and sometimes underachievers screw up. Try to go steal third or go from first to third on a single with two outs and get thrown out by ten feet? Good hustle, 'atta boy', tough luck, son. Throw an 0-2 fastball down the middle that gets taken yard? My bad. Should've called for a breaking pitch. Caught out late with the new sideline reporter? See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil.

Whaddya mean, disloyal? I've been watching since Eddie Bressoud, Felix Mantilla, and Darrell Brandon. Jim Willoughby is a household name. Okay, so I don't remember Pumpsie Green, but I was only six during the "prime" of his Bosox career. Can't get along with Larry Lucchino? That might be a legit grievance, but how's that make me different from anyone in the 99 percent?

Maybe the problem is simply that the Red Sox have set the bar too high in the managing expectations category. The fans simply came to believe that they'd get maximum effort from the entire organization, for the premium price, overhyped free agents, in the 25 player, 25 limousine era. I'll go with the Ben Stiller approach.

How's that working for you, Mr. Cherington?