Monday, November 14, 2005

No Fenway Out

Okay. So the Red Sox couldn't hang on to GM Theo Epstein. Life goes on. At least as fans we can celebrate the American League MVP, David Ortiz. What? No DHs allowed.

What came out of the General Managers' meetings? Let's examine this closely. Four of baseball's version of 101 Dalmations made the trip, on their own until Cruellarry De Ville, I mean Cruel Larry De Hub showed up to supervise Jed Hoyer, Craig Shipley, Peter Woodfork, and Ben Cherington. Maybe they're the Spy Kids. Surely, upper management required each to write, "I will not seek to become a New England icon" on the chalkboard at least a 100 times. Meanwhile, Cruellary, cloaked in Darth Vader gear, mumbled, "I am your father, " and reported back to principal owner John Henry, "Honey, I Shrunk the Kids."

Actually, Sox management has an affinity for Disney. There's Never a Dull Moment. Derek Lowe's gone because he wandered far from the Snow White image the club wants. The decision-making process leading to Theogate was really Goofy. With the quotes attributable to L-squared and John Henry, we're reminded (pun intended) of the Lion King. Lucchino says there's no problem between Theo and him. Pinocchio, we say. Based on the recent Werner-Lucchino statements, I guess we should call them Tom and Huck. I know how as a Bostonian I feel about Cruellary, "Cheetah."

Are we being unfair to the Sox CEO, who reminds us a lot more of Dumbo than The Incredibles? Surely John Henry comes off as either The Absent Minded Professor or Sleeping Beauty during the key negotiations. Will Theo Epstein be Spirited Away by Frank McCourt and the Dodgers? It's our personal Nightmare Before Christmas.

Now we're hearing that the Sox are trying to trade Manny Ramirez. Does that mean Manny goes west and we have Angels in the Outfield next season?

Well, at this point we can be sure that Theo's not Homeward Bound. No matter, Mr. Henry's still The Happiest Millionaire. Ultimately, the front office can only choose between too assignations, Mickey Mouse or Flubber.

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